Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
