well you can't waste a boner
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize