Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
