i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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