something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
