Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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