dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
