Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
