matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
In America we eat man semen.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
