theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
sex in a hospital.. check
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
