They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
