You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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