Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
