I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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