this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
