i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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