i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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