Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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