Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
