if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
