is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
There's always time for handjobs
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
