A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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