Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I need a beard to bite.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize