Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
