Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
