Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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