I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm like, not good at living.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
