Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize