come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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