Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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