My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
