Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
