let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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