I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize