so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
