I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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