I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
