how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize