im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I made him laugh his dick is mine
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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