Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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