if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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