I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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