i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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