If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
