Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just had sex on a roof
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
