the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
