My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
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