i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
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