Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize