You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
