Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
