I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
