Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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