I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
