Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
