Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
