She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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